Sydney (The Emerald City), Australia

Two Americans walk into a coffee shop…

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“Your mullets suck.”
“You’re fat.”
And thus began our foray into the wilds of Sydney on a very early, pre-dawn Saturday morning. A Saturday morning following the night before “football” (soccer) match between Scotland and Australia. I think Scotland lost. We ducked into a coffee shop on the corner and immediately came up against 3 youths around Maureen’s age (16). The one nearest the cookie display pointed to a big chocolate chip cookie and said to me, “Don’t you think this is too much for a cookie? Would you pay this?” The cookie was $5.90 Australian. And I had to say, “Yeah, it is.” “See!” the same youth said to one of the Chinese youths behind the counter. There was a definite aggressive tone in his voice and posture.

Inflation in Sydney

By the way, the prices in Sydney are crazy. I even read in the newspaper that the price of something was “un-Australian”. Anyway, things just kind of snowballed really fast from there. So I said, in defense of the nervous-looking young person behind the counter, “Yeah, it’s a lot. But, if you don’t like it, why not go somewhere else?” The counter person barely nodded and I heard a very quiet, “Yeah.” Yeah, as in get the hell out of my store.

Mullets Suck

The second guy standing with Maureen asks where are we from. He looked the roughest of all three. He stood 6 feet, had bloodshot dark blue eyes, brown hair, acne, and a sort of simmering energy right below the surface. I felt like this guy could erupt at any second and it wouldn’t take much to light the fuse. In fact, looking at him, he seemed to be thinking about something else other than the conversation we were having. He asked why we were here. And Maureen said, of all things, that she was an international college student followed by “your mullets suck”.

Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting

I’m not sure what prompted this sudden negativity, but when he answered “You’re fat.”, she grabbed my arm and marched me out of the place, yelling, “Fuck off!” They yelled something back but I didn’t quite catch it. The young gentlemen had probably been out all night drinking and doing God knows what else and now they were going to fight with the Chinese guys in Chinatown only they ended up picking a fight with Maureen instead. I swear, Moe was so angry that if we had stayed there a minute longer she would’ve resorted to Taekwondo kicks and slaps and we would’ve been the worse for it. A lot worse.

Wallet Safety in Sydney

Meanwhile, there was a tall, blonde guy in his thirties standing right at the entrance with us the whole time just watching everything and not saying a word. All he wanted was a coffee, like me. Instead, we get these crazy kids wanting to fight everybody.

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Egg McMuffins

I had yet to have my coffee. But, look at this McDonald’s. I thought the one in Budapest was fancy. This was the Plaza Theater built in 1930 and seated 2,000 people.

We had two Egg McMuffin meals (so that’s one McMuffin, one hash brown, and one drink). The McMuffin could not get any smaller. I mean it was around 3 inches wide. Guess how much this fine morning repast cost? Twenty Australian. That is so un-Australian.

Henry Huggins

I was standing right where that farthest yellow cone is picking up my coffee. A man in his twenties came up to me, shook my hand, introduced himself and without speaking spread his arms out for a hug. I guess he figured if he introduced himself he was eligible for a hug. I just shook my head and turned to collect the coffees. With a coffee in each hand I turned around and he was still there. Again, he spread his arms out. I said, “My husband is sitting over there. Excuse me.” Sydney’s drunken goodwill ambassador in the form of Henry welcoming me to the land down under. Thanks Hank.

Tail End of the Morning’s Theme Song

It’s a shame I didn’t get it when it was in full swing. Maureen is trying to keep her nose ring from falling down in case you were wondering.

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